On A Father’s Grief: My Heart Is Equally Broken

https://stillstandingmag.com/2020/08/26/on-a-fathers-grief-my-heart-is-equally-broken/

by Roger Smith

As a man, a father, a husband, I felt that it was my duty to protect, defend, and do the difficult things for my family that no one else wanted to do.

When my son died, I stuffed much of my emotions down because I felt I had to be the one to take care of the arrangements. 

My family needed time to grieve; I would be strong for them. But grief has a life of its own and will not allow itself to be ignored.

Increasingly, I felt tears filling my eyes for no apparent reason. I began having difficulty concentrating, trouble sleeping.

It felt as if my body was betraying me, not allowing me to do the things that needed to get done.

I began searching for information about grieving the loss of a child. Much of what I found was geared toward mothers.

Precious little spoke to a father’s heart, or should I say the father’s shattered heart.

Slowly, I realized that I needed to acknowledge the hole in my chest where my heart used to be.

I imagined nothing there but a shattered heap of brokenness. How was I supposed to be there for my family if I couldn’t keep it together myself?

I still hold my wife close when she is hurting; I still talk with my grandchildren, his children, about their dad.

But it’s different now.

Now they see me as someone who is grieving alongside them, someone whose heart is equally broken.

Someone who will forever be changed.